A Working Mom's Guide to Watching Big Brother

It is important, when partaking in an activity that has the potential to remove you from all social and familial duties, to make preparations.  Think of this post as a living will for the summertime. 

Big Brother live feeds are...well, live.  All of the time.  24 hours per day, 7 days per week.  Of course, there are moments when the feeds go to "fish" or "front of house", which is the loss of audio and video feed, after houseguests mention production or family members who have not signed releases.  And, of course, are hours of competitions and/or production related events to which live feed watchers are not privy.   Generally, the live feeds are ever changing, almost always riveting footage that is (for the most part) uncut and unedited (meaning:  it is not rearranged into a storyline).  Therefore, you never quite know when a houseful of sleeping houseguests will suddenly rouse into a festival of rock-em-sock-em-feuding-robots.  And because of the ever changing nature of the feeds, you find yourself watching strangers sleep, brush their teeth, and doing things that are, frankly, best left unwatched.  BB11 Ronnie picking his belly button lint is a sight that one cannot unsee, no matter how much bleach one uses in the cleansing ritual.

Like Boy Scouts, rabid Big Brother fans must be prepared for the summer of feed watching, internet message board discussions, and being shunned (oh, BB12 Enzo, how you have made even the Amish want to "shun" this terminology) by the general population who feel that watching Big Brother is a "waste of time".   Allow me to assist you in your endeavors:

1.  Inform your immediate family of your mental departure from your every day living.  If you have small children, take a picture of them on Thursday July 7th at 8:59 p.m..  You will need this for reference, as there is a better than 78% chance that you will not look directly at your children again until September 15, after the finale.  Arrange for a trusted babysitter or caretaker and if it is financially feasible, hire a nanny or send your children to sleep-away camp.  If your children do remain in the home, warn them that Mommy may not respond on the first 67 callings of her name, and if she doesn't respond at all, assume the answer is "No.".  If possible, hang a sign that says, "Go ask your father" directly around your neck or in the area that you watch feeds.  If you are married, perform whatever marital tasks buy you the most time until the next "marital task".    If you are single, inform your friends that you not be reached by phone and if they need something from you, they should consider a group of temporary friends on a three month trial basis. 

2.  Stock up on easy to prepare foods.  It is hard to convince your family that they will be a) eating out b) cooking their own meals or c) starving for three months.   If you do not have a crockpot, buy one.  If you do not usually cook and order a lot of take out anyway, keep the menus in an easily accessed area that even a child could find, if you catch my drift. 

3.  If you are unable to take a three month sabbatical from work during the summer, may I suggest spraining a knee or back?  But if that plan is not for you, and you remain able-bodied and enjoy paying your monthly bills, one must find ways around the eight hour "work day".  Avoid taking on new projects between July and September.  Save up vacation and personal time for the days that you "accidentally" stay up all night watching the feeds.  Thanks to technology, the feeds are offered on Droid phones and Apple Iphones through the RealSuperpass website.  If you do not have a fancy, new fangled Smartphone, and you have a computer in your office, I highly recommend using your Ipod's earbuds while keeping the feeds minimized on your screen.  If you fear retribution from your workplace's IT department, and can access Twitter on your phone, follow the Twitter accounts of sites that update the feeds regularly for surreptitious viewings during important meetings or while seeing clients.  


4.  Join a message board.  Chances are, if you follow Big Brother, you have probably been either a "lurker" or a "poster" on a message board since the beginning of the interwebs.  Message boards update the feeds regularly, host discussions, and provide extra entertainment during feed down-times.  I recommend www.allaboutbigbrother.net   If you work a full time job, message boards are a great place to get quick summaries.  Plus, online communities provide an outlet to the BB fan whose family and friends do not participate in the BB phenomena regularly.  

5.  Bookmark this blog.  www.creativelapses.blogspot.com or my tumblr http://creativelapses.tumblr.com   I will be updating these after each CBS show airs and weekly about events on the feeds.  Depending on how interesting the feeds actually become, it may be more often. 

Seriously, even Oprah gets addicted to Big Brother feeds.

6.  Keep a healthy sense of humor.  If you do not have one, the bags under your eyes (from staying up all night watching two people talk about squirrels) will just seem sad.  

Clearly, if you are reading this post, you are a Big Brother fan.  Whether it is your guilty pleasure, your favorite past time, or just your way of coping with heat and humidity, Big Brother provides us with years of comedy, drama, and ridiculata in a three month time span.  It is practically time economical, if you think about it.   So bring on the nutbars, it's time for Big Brother 13!