BB13 Double Trouble: This Season Will Be B-a-n-a-n-a-s

Warning:  Contains Spoilers.

Top L to R:  Keith, Porsche, Adam, Dominic  Middle Row: Daniele, Shelly, Brendon, Kalia, Jordan.  Bottom: Dick, Cassi, Rachel, Lawon, and Jeff.

Ah, deep breaths.  The (predominantly) incorrect rumors can officially stop swirling.  The premiere episode of Big Brother has aired, and for someone who was expecting the unexpected (to wit:  the unexpected would be Alison Grodner NOT screwing up the twist within the first fifteen minutes of the season), I am pleasantly surprised.

By golly, I have never been so happy to see Julie and her salmon dress appearing to introduce America to the first eight houseguests of Big Brother 13. 

To sum up:
Dominic :  He lives with his mom.  And in what might be the fourth shocking twist of the evening, he is a virgin.  Where was this in the pre-show interview package?  Well, I was surprised until the next sentence from his mouth was "Mom, I need help folding my clothes."  And then everything fell right into place.

Cassi:  She models and is a tomboy who loves country music and beer.  She has underwear that cause "boing" sound effects, so that's something.

Lawon:  "Everyone loves me."  He loves bright bold colors.  Lawon will be gay if they want him to be gay, and straight if they want him to be straight.  You be you, Lawon.  Don't bow to their needs! (And that ends the motivational portion of this blog).  Lawon also used "handsomfied" in a sentence within the first seven minutes.   

Keith:  A dapperly dressed Youth Minister.  He's got to focus on the game and not the girls.  He's bringing a bible and a hilarious geno-gram of a strategy.  From pausing it, I can see that Keith has Policies and Procedures listed as:  Don't Lie. Don't Back Stab.  No Fraternization.  I cannot make out the "Selection Process of "Keith's Angels" however.  This makes me sad.  He is wearing a gimantic turquoise gerber daisy and I cannot help but wonder if it also shoots water.

Porsche:  Is going to Big Brother and waving a flaming beverage.  She is employed as a VIP waitress in South Beach.  She tell us that she is the hottest girl everywhere she goes and people will hate her right off the bat.  Half of that sentence is true.  (My husband spent large portions of the episode naming people hotter than Porsche, by the way).  Porsche also takes other girls' bitchiness as a challenge and plans to one up them.  Super.

Adam:  If I were writing his personal ad, I would mention: Adam loves Hulk Hogan's shouting and/or Rupert's annoying Survivor pirate voice, 90210, heavy metal, and appletinis.  Good luck ladies, he's taken. 

Kalia:  She's Carrie from Sex and the City, without the tutu!.  She loves sex and she will make a liar out of you if you say you don't.

Shelly:  Outdoor sports CEO.  She's Southern and she's not gonna be their Mom and clean up after them (Note to Dominic:  Don't ask Shelly to fold your clothes).  Shelly makes a lot of hunting and fishing analogies.  She is bringing her daughter's stuffed dog to the house.  Her husband and daughter are adorbs.



The first four to enter the house are Dominic, Shelly, Lawon and Porsche.  Dominic is detail oriented, because he directs everyone to find their beds within the first minute.  Lawon quickly reveals himself as this season's Diary Room Shouter.  It took Shelly the same amount of time to refer to Porsche as a stripper.  Well, as having a stripper name, anyway.

Keith, Kalia, Adam, and Cassi enter in the second group.  Kalia reveals her hatred of hair in public showers and says that being in this house "is a nightmare come true" (which begs the question:  why are you HERE?)  Porsche's personality is apparently made up entirely of bitchiness and her own doctor enhanced boobs.

It takes the houseguests quite a while to notice that there are only eight people in the house and realize that someone else must be coming.  They begin the obligatory introductions and not one but THREE houseguests completely lie about their professions.  What kind of world do we live in that a VIP cocktail waitress, a model, and a youth minister have to pretend that they have other jobs?  Did I miss the Career Day where those professions were named "Most Intimidating in a Reality TV Show"?  At any rate, Keith is pretending that he and his twin brothers are matchmakers, Porsche is pretending she goes to college (good luck keeping up with THAT lie, Porsche) and Cassi says that she is going to school to become a stylist (which judging from her clothes, she would totally rock at, but ya know, flaunt while ya got it, Cassi).  Shelly and Adam are both married.  Kalia, not Kahlua, admits to her profession as a relationship and sex blogger, which causes Keith to notice her chesticles.  Actually, he refers to them as "puppies, that looking like they're fighting".  Keith, I think I speak for all women who possess breasts when I say, I hope those puppies pee on you.  (Thank you, and good night.)

Dominic admits to modeling (fatal flaw???).  Porsche finds him the best looking of the group.  She was named after the car, not after a stripper her dad was fond of, so that is good news.  Again, is being a VIP cocktail waitress code for something?  How is your life too luxurious?  Lawon is a sharp dresser.  Cassi tells Keith in no uncertain terms that "you are not sleeping in my bed." (Good for you, Cassi, lay down the law early and often with him.)

Julie magically appears to announce the first twist to the castmates.  TWIST ONE: They will be partnering and playing the game with someone.in.this.room.  The HOH will nominate one duo, who will be forced to campaign against each other to stay in the game.  Porsche is confused.  The pairs are as follows:  Adam/Dominic, Keith/Porsche, Kalia/Lawon, and Cassi/Shelly.  Dominic is appalled that "out of nowhere, yo, this loud, crazy, martini sipping, 90210 loving bacon eater wants to be my partner".  And maybe he HAS seen previous seasons, because immediately his thought goes to the worry that he will be Adam's jail buddy (history does show that BB Adams tend to become incarcerated).  Kalia is less than thrilled to be Lawon's jail buddy, as well.  She wants to lay low, and having the "big crazy flamboyant guy" as her partner will make that plan difficult to carry out.  Porsche is worried that Keith will want to throw her under the bus.  That is a legitimate concern, because I would not mind running over Porsche with an actual bus.

SECOND TWIST:  RETURNING NOTORIOUS DUOS

And then the doorbell starts ringing.  First to enter are Rachel and Brendon and the elephant in the room that is Skypegate (aka Penisgate).  No one appears particularly thrilled to see them.  Rachel is, of course, loud and "back bitches".  They're engaged.  Brendon took her on a hot air balloon ride and was not sure who cried more (um, I think we know who).  Adam, who in interviews, said he liked Rachel appears incensed that they have reappeared.  Rachel is now listed as an "event hostess".

The doorbell rings again.  Jordan's nipples, Jordan, and Jeff enter the house to the delight of all, except for maybe Adam (by the way, Adam, if you don't stop with the Hulk Hogan Wrestlemania voice, I will personally incite a legion of Hulkamaniacs to going running wild on YOU!).  Lawon feels like he is in the company of Big Brother royalty, and he just can't stop smiling.  Shelly fawns over them, and is now fearful of playing against them.  But don't worry, Shelly, if there is a math competition, it is all over but the shoutin'.  The first duo diary room has America's Sweethearts unsure of how long they have been together.  A year and nine months, at final tally. 

The third and final doorbell ring brings us Evel Dick's food baby, Dick, and silent sad Indian Daniele.  Dick is here to win the show twice.  (*laughing silently to myself*)  The virgin is not familiar with Dick.   Dominic stands in judgement of Evel Dick's tattoos, and his hootchie mama young girlfriend *scratchy record noise* oh, wait, that's his sullen, broody daughter.  Dick then announces that he is the only winner there, which prompts Jordan to respond thusly: 

Jeff, of all people, wants to know whether or not Dick and Daniele are still speaking.  They allege that it has been three years since they talked.  Their first duo Diary Room definitely has some hostile body language, and Daniele still gives "stank face" like nobody's business.  Dick believes that they have the largest target on their backs, and he may be right.  Jeff is also suspicious that whether or not they are speaking means nothing, because they got to the Final Two the last time, and it seems to work for them. 

Daniele's Indian Name:  Daddy Trouble Mean Mug

New and Improved Jeff:  Now with Suspicion AND Intuition!

The HOH competition consists of the houseguests losing their dignity on a slippery weiner.  I mean, banana.  The teams must hold onto a dangling banana, in positions that could best be described as compromising, and in some cases, illegal in 48 states, and the last to fall off wins.  Jordan is depending on Jeff for the win, who is mostly concerned if Jordan is "comfy" (aww).    Dick is distraught about cramming his head up his daughter's ass (and rightfully so).  Of course, no competition can go on without having things sprayed at the contestants while they hang uncomfortably on a phallically shaped item.  Shelly and Cassi appear to have chosen the wrong strategy (and Cassi needs to stop referring to Shelly as "Mama", just an FYI).  Shelly is the banana's first victim, and she plays it off, saying she didn't want to look like a huge threat.

Jordan is the second person eliminated ("Big shocker," says Jeff).  Keith assaults Porsche with his tush on his way down.  Next goes Cassi.  Lawon hits the turf.  Dominic has a slight moment of panic as Adam scoots up the banana and literally "head butts" him repeatedly.    Adam is down next.  Jeff loses his grip in a fairly graceful manner.  Dominic goes down next.  Porsche and Kalia are the last "new" castmates to remain on their chocolate covered bananas.  Brendon is down next.  Dick is the last male standing (swinging?).

In Diary, Rachel admits to spending a lot of time sitting on bananas.  "It's all well and good riding on a big banana and then you get shot with whipped cream in the face."  Does she walk into these?   Good Lawd.  Yes, Rachel, you are doing much to dissuade the image I have of you.  Porsche, who is a giant butt blur, is next to fall, much to Shelly's scary Deer Hunter analogy's dismay.  Dick and Daniele cut a deal with Rachel, and they fall off their banana, even after Daniele hesitates, as she does not trust Rachel.

The final twist: THE GOLDEN KEY, which means that of the nominated duo, whichever member stays in the house after their partner is evicted,  is issued the Golden Key, and will be immune to nomination until the Top Ten.  This remaining duo member will not be nominated or be able to compete in HOH. 

Daniele and Dick already appear poised to turn on each other to grab at that Golden Key.  Lawon and Kalia wouldn't mind sacrificing one another either.  Who will Rachel nominate for eviction?  Who will win Power of Veto?  Whose ass will Dick try to kick?

The live feeds start at 1 a.m. EST, so tune in to watch the excitement!