WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD:
Sunday's episode of Big Brother was chock full of Dick. (Evel Dick.) Anyhow, as everyone already knows, Dick left the game early under "mysterious" circumstances. The live feeds came on and no Dick. Plenty of dicks, but none Evel. So to watch an episode where Dick is hard at work playing the game and looking to pick off New Kids one by one is sort of bittersweet. Say what you will about Dick and how he plays and how he treats people (women especially) and his use of fear and intimidation rather than an intricate strategy, his presence definitely would have added drama and a layer of protection to the Veteran team and the whole of Big Brother 13.
When we rejoin the house guests, Dick and Daniele are a finely oiled machine because, as Daniele says "when it comes to Big Brother, we just kind of know how to do it." Dick reminds us that before Season 8, they hadn't spoken in two years, and this time it has been three. In a bit of maudlin thought, he says, "If we were playing Big Brother in life all the time, we'd have a fine relationship."
Porsche has decided that she and Keith need to get on the Vets' good sides, not knowing that Keith has begun an alliance with three other New Kids which has an awkward 90s nickname and a (not particularly) brilliant plan. Dominic wants to unite four New Kids, which consists of Lawon, Cassi, Keith and himself. That way, if any go on the block, they will have the numbers to stay over their partner. (Regulators, who is your accountant? There are four of you, and eight New kids. If you are on the block with your partner, that is three votes for you. And three possible votes from the non-alliance side, not to mention the Vets. Your plan is not fool proof.)
The numbers are not on the Veteran's side. Jeff is both befuddled and excited (to go with his new suspicion and intuition) to be playing with Dick, Daniele, Brendon and Rachel. But don't expect him to have a serious conversation with Jordan without a farting reference. Okay, CBS, we get it. They enjoy fart jokes. Can't we ever see them strategize? I watch the live feeds. I know they are somewhat capable of it. (Live Feed Spoiler Alert: Jordan has figured out the members of the Regulators. However, she refers to them as the Hot Tub Alliance.)
Jesus Christ did not come to the house this week, Evel Dick, so we were forced to endure Rachel's childhood pictures and watch people suck up during the HOH reveal. Shelly tells us that Rachel just needs to think that she likes her. I think that Shelly really does like the Vets and I think that she is looking to work with them in the future.
The Vets are going to wait for the New Kids to implode, but they need to get more numbers. Dick and Daniele will lead Brendan and Rachel to the Promised Land (which I am assuming contains zero Skype Penis-gates and a big fat W in the "Win" column). Besides dingy Porsche, Dick also plants seeds with UberFan and Cookie Monster Imitator Adam to help bolster the ranks.
But first....we must be subjected to silly scenes between Brendan and Rachel discussing Botox and lip injections and his apparent hypocrisy involving fake breasteses. And after he offers to get four arms, she offers that it would be "more to pleasure me with." *induce vomiting now* No one is ever going to offer up Brendon and Rachel as the prime example of a healthy relationship and they sure know how to bring out the desire to stab out a person's own eyes, but after last season, they have made quite a bit of progress in the Nuisance Four Feed Cannot Be Avoided Boning Department.
After Dick works on Porsche to go rogue and side with the Vets, she goes straight to Keith to reveal everything. Keith immediately reports back to the Regulators. Keith, you fool! Keep this information to yourself! Tell no one! Shut yo mouf! You could have yourself covered on two sides (well, we'll get to how you cover things during the Space Cow competition later. *shudder*)
It's time for the Have-Not Competition: Vets vs. Keith, Porsche, Adam, and Dom vs Cassi, Shelly, Kalia and Lawon. The backyard has been transformed into Space Milk Mountain (thanks, Lawon). I am not sure what the house guests are wearing, other than giant beach towels hand painted by some lowly Production Assistant and stuffed with a giant sponge. In their giant sponge, they are expected to dive into a pool of "milk" and then be "milked" by their respective team milkman (Keith, Jeff, and Lawon).
I am not sure what cows that Keith has ever seen milked, but the way that he manhandled (moohandled?) the members of his team, he clearly will leave the pasture with no space cow unhumped. There were some truly alarming and not family friendly visual images going on during that competition. Maybe I am Jeff-biased, but he seemed to have a very firm and effective touch with the cow milking, as he lovingly attempted to crush the living hell out of his own girlfriend, as well as a 50 year old man and his daughter. Lawon, at one point, found himself in a milky beautiful sandwich, but to be truthful, I don't think he enjoyed it anymore than Adam enjoyed looking into Keith's "big black eyes" during their time together in the milking station. The Veterans won, but if they hadn't, it may have resulted in an Evel Dick style rant and rave. (Couldn't we at least have gotten one before he departed?) Lawon's team of Milk Maids came in last and will end up sleeping in a big, brightly lit padded room.
NOTE: I may end up sleeping in a padded room if the Live Feed Operators don't stop acting so button happy and interrupting the feeds anytime anything vaguely interesting happens.
At the Nomination Ceremony/ Knife Sound Effect Button Show, Keith and Porsche are nominated for Eviction, carrying out Evel Dick's idea to nominate a team that the Vets can use to work with the remaining member, rather than a team that they are threatened by.
Tune in on Wednesday to find out who wins the Power of Veto and what the hell happened to cause Evel Dick to Evelacuate the house.
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