Eight New Houseguests, I Am (Not So Silently) Judging You

Who are these eight smiling people?  What are the chances that one of them will last the entire summer and win $500,000?

Traditionally, I do not watch pre-show interviews of the new houseguests.  The interviews themselves border on pointless and with the majority of the new castmates, it appears that production has given them the instruction, "We don't want anyone to like you.  Could you be the Eliza Douche-ku of Douches, please?" before anyone opens their mouths.  I will admit to perusing some of the videos this season, and let me just say, my traditionally avoidant behavior has served me well in the past.

So, in order to share with everyone what I will henceforth refer to in my Dream Journal as "Talking Heads with Low Production Value Saying Generic Things", I will give my first impression of each Houseguest. 

MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE THE GHOST OF DANIEL WEBSTER UNDUE STRESS:
Lawon.  Within three sentences of his bio, Lawon  had already made up two vocabulary words, "handsomexy" and "handsomefied".  Lawon, if Gretchen could not make "fetch" happen, you are not going to get away with "handsomexy".  Aside from Lawon's School of Fancy Vocabulary, he feels that he will bring Big Brother fashion to the next level.  So far, I have observed Lawon wearing what appears to be an Easter Parade gone awry about his midsection, and on another occasion, a denim blazer with what could only be described as "pizzazz".  I fear that if he does not win Big Brother he may stay in Hollywood to become Randy Jackson's new American Idol stylist.  He also seems to have a decent sense of humor and no visible scars. 

WHEN YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO TACK ON AN "E":  Cassi, whose name I will always spell correctly incorrectly.  Ya know what I mean?  Cassi, who will be using her winnings to buy an "E" (Is $250 dollars market value?  Or do you have to know Vanna?)  is gorgeous, clearly fashion forward, and will be loathed worldwide by female Big Brother fans.  Why?  No reason.  None at all.  (Have you met a Big Brother fan lately?  There is no rhyme or reason to anything we do.)   She has a super drawly Texas accent and she says she gets along better with the boys.  I am sure that her boobs have nothing to do with that.  She also looks exactly like Olivia Wilde from House, so she may be performing surgeries or medical testing at some point during the summer.

IF YOUR FAVORITE PAST HOUSEGUEST IS THE "MEOW MEOW" YOU ARE PROBABLY A RECRUIT:  Dominic.  Dominic had never seen the show before he was sent to the casting.  He mentioned liking how Jeff played in BB11 in his bio (Author's note:  Like my friend says, "Jeff is my favorite houseguest ever.  But was he my favorite player?  No.")  but in an interview, he admitted to enjoying the Meow Meow.  Ugh, mactors.  There is no accounting for taste.  Other than a high probability that Dominic will either a) be in a showmance or b) have a 10 rating on the Douchecanoe Scale, nothing else really stands out about him. 

MOST LIKELY TO GO DOWN IN A DRUNKEN BLAZE OF GLORY:  Kalia.  According to her bio, if Kalia wins, she wants to hang out with Lindsay Lohan.  I hope she keeps her ankles well groomed for the pending alcohol sensing lo-jack.  Besides a Youtube video of an intoxicated Kalia, I have no other evidence that she will be alcohol dependent post show.  But I am excited for when the houseguests get their 5 beers for 13 people to see if Kalia wrestles anyone to the ground for the last can.  Other than that, Kalia has won some interview portions of beauty pageants (but in a pre-Carrie Prejean's homophobia and Caitlin Upton's "the Iraq"  society), so I have high hopes that she will give good Diary Room.  (Though it will be hard to top BB12 Britney in this capacity.)  Game-wise, Kalia promises not to play emotionally, which means that she will be a) crying the first moment she comes on the feeds or b) nominating the first person who sneezed in her general direction.



 AUDITIONING FOR THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT MOVIE'S PART OF "BOB LOBLAW":  Keith.  All of Keith's interviews were at least double the time of his competitors, if not longer.  Keith is a bag of wind.  Zing!  Also counting against Keith, he has pre-named his alliance "Keith's Angels" and he seems to believe that he is going to adopt the Blah-Gade (The BB12 idea of a strong main alliance with each member having a side alliance) strategy with a group of attractive women.  Good luck with that, Keith, as Allison Grodner does not cast attractive women who will work together.  It is just. not. done.  At any rate, Keith has also referred to himself as "yummy" and "the kind of chocolate that is healthy for you" so when I am finished vomiting in my mouth, I will end this paragraph about Mr.  Keith.  WARNING:  Keith has a twin.  If this twin is a fitness instructor, bible thumper, and/or believes that Carmen Electra is a bitch (see: BB5 Adria/Natalie), we are all in deep doo doo on a season called Double Trouble.   He does not, however, look half bad in bright colors.  If you stand far enough way, put him on mute, and if he does, in fact, possess some defined musculature, he would not be the worst to look at by the pool.

PROBABLY THE WORST TO LOOK AT BY THE POOL:  Adam.   Sorry, Adam, I hate to be one of those shallow people who judges upon looks, size, or the way a person dresses, but you are wearing a bowling shirt and the beard of a Grizzly Man.  Adam seems nice enough, less likely to sell Oxy-Contin than other previous BB Adams, and he seems like he is a big BB fan with an inexplicable love of Rachel.  Well, it's slightly explicable, because from some of his answers, he might like to be "dominated" when it comes to the loving.  Game-wise, being a fan, he will either play things close to the vest and take the copious amounts of advice given to future contestants,  or he will shoot his wad on the first vote out and be evicted pre-jury.

LITTLE DOUCHE COUPE:  Porsche.  Just like Claire is a fat girl's name (thank you, John Bender), Porsche is a stripper's name.  Porsche is a VIP cocktail waitress, so.... She has worked with BB6/BB7 All-Star Janelle at Mynt, a club in Miami, so she has some connections.  She may also have dated Josh Hartnett.  What is she doing on this show???   I am fairly sure that I am either going to despise Porsche (her favorite ex-HG is BB11 Natalie "because she straight up lied to everyone and it worked."  I might point out to Porsche that a) Natalie came in second b) she is almost universally reviled by regular BB viewers.  So I guess "worked" is a relative term AND her voice is BB8 Jen Johnson-esque)  or that I will find her "sexy, clever, bitch"iness refreshing.  I don't have a crystal ball, but I am guessing it will the former.



POSSIBLE CANDIDATE FOR ALISON GRODNER'S ANNUAL 40-SOMETHING CARAMEL BOOBY TRAP:  Shelly.  Well, it's a newer tradition, but Shelly has the southern drawl and the easy going nature of BB12's Kathy.  Hopefully she is more lithe.  She also has the haircut that was popular about eight years ago that requires a lot of hairspray, a round brush, and a dream, so hopefully one of the more fashion forward girls will help her out with that.  Shelly and I have very similar Big Brother views and outlooks, but our political views could not be farther afield of one another.  I will either adore her moxy or want to murder her with her own round brush.  She has a family at home, so hopefully she will avoid the "I deserve it because I have a hard life and kids" bent when it comes time to compete.

THE LIGHTNING ROUND:
First to Fight:  Kalia.
First To Suggest a Whipped Cream Bikini Contest:  Porsche (followed closely by Adam)
First to Invoke the "Bean Roll Footage":  Adam
First to Throw Their Mic in the Pool:  No one else is that stupid.
First to Be Subtitled Under A Blanket with Another Houseguest:  Dominic
First to Be Nominated:  Shelly
First to Cry:  Lawon.
Most Likely to Have His Name Mutilated:  Lawon.  Possible permutations:  Lawn, Lavon, and Juan.   
First to Be Told to Stop Singing:  Kalia
 First to Out His Own Alliance Accidentally:  Keith.  Will. Not. Shut. Up.
Most Likely Unlikely Veto Dominator:  Cassi




Get your big girl panties on, there's just over 36 hours left til the start of BB13!!!