Regulators, Regulate...Or Be Regulated

WARNING:  SPOILERS AHEAD:

Sunday's episode of Big Brother was chock full of Dick.  (Evel Dick.)  Anyhow, as everyone already knows, Dick left the game early under "mysterious" circumstances.  The live feeds came on and no Dick.  Plenty of dicks, but none Evel.  So to watch an episode where Dick is hard at work playing the game and looking to pick off New Kids one by one is sort of bittersweet.  Say what you will about Dick and how he plays and how he treats people (women especially) and his use of fear and intimidation rather than an intricate strategy, his presence definitely would have added drama and a layer of protection to the Veteran team and the whole of Big Brother 13. 

When we rejoin the house guests, Dick and Daniele are a finely oiled machine because, as Daniele says "when it comes to Big Brother, we just kind of know how to do it."  Dick reminds us that before Season 8, they hadn't spoken in two years, and this time it has been three.  In a bit of maudlin thought, he says, "If we were playing Big Brother in life all the time, we'd have a fine relationship."

Porsche has decided that she and Keith need to get on the Vets' good sides, not knowing that Keith has begun an alliance with three other New Kids which has an awkward 90s nickname and a (not particularly) brilliant plan.  Dominic wants to unite four New Kids, which consists of Lawon, Cassi, Keith and himself.   That way, if any go on the block, they will have the numbers to stay over their partner.  (Regulators, who is your accountant?  There are four of you, and eight New kids.  If you are on the block with your partner, that is three votes for you.  And three possible votes from the non-alliance side, not to mention the Vets.  Your plan is not fool proof.)

The numbers are not on the Veteran's side.  Jeff is both befuddled and excited (to go with his new suspicion and intuition) to be playing with Dick, Daniele, Brendon and Rachel.  But don't expect him to have a serious conversation with Jordan without a farting reference.  Okay, CBS, we get it.  They enjoy fart jokes.  Can't we ever see them strategize?  I watch the live feeds.  I know they are somewhat capable of it.  (Live Feed Spoiler Alert:  Jordan has figured out the members of the Regulators.  However, she refers to them as the Hot Tub Alliance.)

Jesus Christ did not come to the house this week, Evel Dick, so we were forced to endure Rachel's childhood pictures and watch people suck up during the HOH reveal.  Shelly tells us that Rachel just needs to think that she likes her.  I think that Shelly really does like the Vets and I think that she is looking to work with them in the future. 

The Vets are going to wait for the New Kids to implode, but they need to get more numbers.  Dick and Daniele will lead Brendan and Rachel to the Promised Land (which I am assuming contains zero Skype Penis-gates and a big fat W in the "Win" column).  Besides dingy Porsche, Dick also plants seeds with UberFan and Cookie Monster Imitator Adam to help bolster the ranks.

But first....we must be subjected to silly scenes between Brendan and Rachel discussing Botox and lip injections and his apparent hypocrisy involving fake breasteses.  And after he offers to get four arms, she offers that it would be "more to pleasure me with."  *induce vomiting now*  No one is ever going to offer up Brendon and Rachel as the prime example of a healthy relationship and they sure know how to bring out the desire to stab out a person's own eyes, but after last season, they have made quite a bit of progress in the Nuisance Four Feed Cannot Be Avoided Boning Department.

After Dick works on Porsche to go rogue and side with the Vets,  she goes straight to Keith to reveal everything.  Keith immediately reports back to the Regulators.  Keith, you fool!  Keep this information to yourself!  Tell no one!  Shut yo mouf!  You could have yourself covered on two sides (well, we'll get to how you cover things during the Space Cow competition later.  *shudder*)

It's time for the Have-Not Competition:  Vets vs. Keith, Porsche, Adam, and Dom vs Cassi, Shelly, Kalia and Lawon.  The backyard has been transformed into Space Milk Mountain (thanks, Lawon).   I am not sure what the house guests are wearing, other than giant beach towels hand painted by some lowly Production Assistant and stuffed with a giant sponge.   In their giant sponge, they are expected to dive into a pool of "milk" and then be "milked" by their respective team milkman (Keith, Jeff, and Lawon).

I am not sure what cows that Keith has ever seen milked, but the way that he manhandled (moohandled?) the members of his team, he clearly will leave the pasture with no space cow unhumped.  There were some truly alarming and not family friendly visual images going on during that competition.  Maybe I am Jeff-biased, but he seemed to have a very firm and effective touch with the cow milking, as he lovingly attempted to crush the living hell out of his own girlfriend, as well as a 50 year old man and his daughter.    Lawon, at one point, found himself in a milky beautiful sandwich, but to be truthful, I don't think he enjoyed it anymore than Adam enjoyed looking into Keith's "big black eyes" during their time together in the milking station.  The Veterans won, but if they hadn't, it may have resulted in an Evel Dick style rant and rave.  (Couldn't we at least have gotten one before he departed?)  Lawon's team of Milk Maids came in last and will end up sleeping in a big, brightly lit padded room.

NOTE: I may end up sleeping in a padded room if the Live Feed Operators don't stop acting so button happy and interrupting the feeds anytime anything vaguely interesting happens.

At the Nomination Ceremony/ Knife Sound Effect Button Show, Keith and Porsche are nominated for Eviction, carrying out Evel Dick's idea to nominate a team that the Vets can use to work with the remaining member, rather than a team that they are threatened by. 


Tune in on Wednesday to find out who wins the Power of Veto and what the hell happened to cause Evel Dick to Evelacuate the house.

BB13 Double Trouble: This Season Will Be B-a-n-a-n-a-s

Warning:  Contains Spoilers.

Top L to R:  Keith, Porsche, Adam, Dominic  Middle Row: Daniele, Shelly, Brendon, Kalia, Jordan.  Bottom: Dick, Cassi, Rachel, Lawon, and Jeff.

Ah, deep breaths.  The (predominantly) incorrect rumors can officially stop swirling.  The premiere episode of Big Brother has aired, and for someone who was expecting the unexpected (to wit:  the unexpected would be Alison Grodner NOT screwing up the twist within the first fifteen minutes of the season), I am pleasantly surprised.

By golly, I have never been so happy to see Julie and her salmon dress appearing to introduce America to the first eight houseguests of Big Brother 13. 

To sum up:
Dominic :  He lives with his mom.  And in what might be the fourth shocking twist of the evening, he is a virgin.  Where was this in the pre-show interview package?  Well, I was surprised until the next sentence from his mouth was "Mom, I need help folding my clothes."  And then everything fell right into place.

Cassi:  She models and is a tomboy who loves country music and beer.  She has underwear that cause "boing" sound effects, so that's something.

Lawon:  "Everyone loves me."  He loves bright bold colors.  Lawon will be gay if they want him to be gay, and straight if they want him to be straight.  You be you, Lawon.  Don't bow to their needs! (And that ends the motivational portion of this blog).  Lawon also used "handsomfied" in a sentence within the first seven minutes.   

Keith:  A dapperly dressed Youth Minister.  He's got to focus on the game and not the girls.  He's bringing a bible and a hilarious geno-gram of a strategy.  From pausing it, I can see that Keith has Policies and Procedures listed as:  Don't Lie. Don't Back Stab.  No Fraternization.  I cannot make out the "Selection Process of "Keith's Angels" however.  This makes me sad.  He is wearing a gimantic turquoise gerber daisy and I cannot help but wonder if it also shoots water.

Porsche:  Is going to Big Brother and waving a flaming beverage.  She is employed as a VIP waitress in South Beach.  She tell us that she is the hottest girl everywhere she goes and people will hate her right off the bat.  Half of that sentence is true.  (My husband spent large portions of the episode naming people hotter than Porsche, by the way).  Porsche also takes other girls' bitchiness as a challenge and plans to one up them.  Super.

Adam:  If I were writing his personal ad, I would mention: Adam loves Hulk Hogan's shouting and/or Rupert's annoying Survivor pirate voice, 90210, heavy metal, and appletinis.  Good luck ladies, he's taken. 

Kalia:  She's Carrie from Sex and the City, without the tutu!.  She loves sex and she will make a liar out of you if you say you don't.

Shelly:  Outdoor sports CEO.  She's Southern and she's not gonna be their Mom and clean up after them (Note to Dominic:  Don't ask Shelly to fold your clothes).  Shelly makes a lot of hunting and fishing analogies.  She is bringing her daughter's stuffed dog to the house.  Her husband and daughter are adorbs.



The first four to enter the house are Dominic, Shelly, Lawon and Porsche.  Dominic is detail oriented, because he directs everyone to find their beds within the first minute.  Lawon quickly reveals himself as this season's Diary Room Shouter.  It took Shelly the same amount of time to refer to Porsche as a stripper.  Well, as having a stripper name, anyway.

Keith, Kalia, Adam, and Cassi enter in the second group.  Kalia reveals her hatred of hair in public showers and says that being in this house "is a nightmare come true" (which begs the question:  why are you HERE?)  Porsche's personality is apparently made up entirely of bitchiness and her own doctor enhanced boobs.

It takes the houseguests quite a while to notice that there are only eight people in the house and realize that someone else must be coming.  They begin the obligatory introductions and not one but THREE houseguests completely lie about their professions.  What kind of world do we live in that a VIP cocktail waitress, a model, and a youth minister have to pretend that they have other jobs?  Did I miss the Career Day where those professions were named "Most Intimidating in a Reality TV Show"?  At any rate, Keith is pretending that he and his twin brothers are matchmakers, Porsche is pretending she goes to college (good luck keeping up with THAT lie, Porsche) and Cassi says that she is going to school to become a stylist (which judging from her clothes, she would totally rock at, but ya know, flaunt while ya got it, Cassi).  Shelly and Adam are both married.  Kalia, not Kahlua, admits to her profession as a relationship and sex blogger, which causes Keith to notice her chesticles.  Actually, he refers to them as "puppies, that looking like they're fighting".  Keith, I think I speak for all women who possess breasts when I say, I hope those puppies pee on you.  (Thank you, and good night.)

Dominic admits to modeling (fatal flaw???).  Porsche finds him the best looking of the group.  She was named after the car, not after a stripper her dad was fond of, so that is good news.  Again, is being a VIP cocktail waitress code for something?  How is your life too luxurious?  Lawon is a sharp dresser.  Cassi tells Keith in no uncertain terms that "you are not sleeping in my bed." (Good for you, Cassi, lay down the law early and often with him.)

Julie magically appears to announce the first twist to the castmates.  TWIST ONE: They will be partnering and playing the game with someone.in.this.room.  The HOH will nominate one duo, who will be forced to campaign against each other to stay in the game.  Porsche is confused.  The pairs are as follows:  Adam/Dominic, Keith/Porsche, Kalia/Lawon, and Cassi/Shelly.  Dominic is appalled that "out of nowhere, yo, this loud, crazy, martini sipping, 90210 loving bacon eater wants to be my partner".  And maybe he HAS seen previous seasons, because immediately his thought goes to the worry that he will be Adam's jail buddy (history does show that BB Adams tend to become incarcerated).  Kalia is less than thrilled to be Lawon's jail buddy, as well.  She wants to lay low, and having the "big crazy flamboyant guy" as her partner will make that plan difficult to carry out.  Porsche is worried that Keith will want to throw her under the bus.  That is a legitimate concern, because I would not mind running over Porsche with an actual bus.

SECOND TWIST:  RETURNING NOTORIOUS DUOS

And then the doorbell starts ringing.  First to enter are Rachel and Brendon and the elephant in the room that is Skypegate (aka Penisgate).  No one appears particularly thrilled to see them.  Rachel is, of course, loud and "back bitches".  They're engaged.  Brendon took her on a hot air balloon ride and was not sure who cried more (um, I think we know who).  Adam, who in interviews, said he liked Rachel appears incensed that they have reappeared.  Rachel is now listed as an "event hostess".

The doorbell rings again.  Jordan's nipples, Jordan, and Jeff enter the house to the delight of all, except for maybe Adam (by the way, Adam, if you don't stop with the Hulk Hogan Wrestlemania voice, I will personally incite a legion of Hulkamaniacs to going running wild on YOU!).  Lawon feels like he is in the company of Big Brother royalty, and he just can't stop smiling.  Shelly fawns over them, and is now fearful of playing against them.  But don't worry, Shelly, if there is a math competition, it is all over but the shoutin'.  The first duo diary room has America's Sweethearts unsure of how long they have been together.  A year and nine months, at final tally. 

The third and final doorbell ring brings us Evel Dick's food baby, Dick, and silent sad Indian Daniele.  Dick is here to win the show twice.  (*laughing silently to myself*)  The virgin is not familiar with Dick.   Dominic stands in judgement of Evel Dick's tattoos, and his hootchie mama young girlfriend *scratchy record noise* oh, wait, that's his sullen, broody daughter.  Dick then announces that he is the only winner there, which prompts Jordan to respond thusly: 

Jeff, of all people, wants to know whether or not Dick and Daniele are still speaking.  They allege that it has been three years since they talked.  Their first duo Diary Room definitely has some hostile body language, and Daniele still gives "stank face" like nobody's business.  Dick believes that they have the largest target on their backs, and he may be right.  Jeff is also suspicious that whether or not they are speaking means nothing, because they got to the Final Two the last time, and it seems to work for them. 

Daniele's Indian Name:  Daddy Trouble Mean Mug

New and Improved Jeff:  Now with Suspicion AND Intuition!

The HOH competition consists of the houseguests losing their dignity on a slippery weiner.  I mean, banana.  The teams must hold onto a dangling banana, in positions that could best be described as compromising, and in some cases, illegal in 48 states, and the last to fall off wins.  Jordan is depending on Jeff for the win, who is mostly concerned if Jordan is "comfy" (aww).    Dick is distraught about cramming his head up his daughter's ass (and rightfully so).  Of course, no competition can go on without having things sprayed at the contestants while they hang uncomfortably on a phallically shaped item.  Shelly and Cassi appear to have chosen the wrong strategy (and Cassi needs to stop referring to Shelly as "Mama", just an FYI).  Shelly is the banana's first victim, and she plays it off, saying she didn't want to look like a huge threat.

Jordan is the second person eliminated ("Big shocker," says Jeff).  Keith assaults Porsche with his tush on his way down.  Next goes Cassi.  Lawon hits the turf.  Dominic has a slight moment of panic as Adam scoots up the banana and literally "head butts" him repeatedly.    Adam is down next.  Jeff loses his grip in a fairly graceful manner.  Dominic goes down next.  Porsche and Kalia are the last "new" castmates to remain on their chocolate covered bananas.  Brendon is down next.  Dick is the last male standing (swinging?).

In Diary, Rachel admits to spending a lot of time sitting on bananas.  "It's all well and good riding on a big banana and then you get shot with whipped cream in the face."  Does she walk into these?   Good Lawd.  Yes, Rachel, you are doing much to dissuade the image I have of you.  Porsche, who is a giant butt blur, is next to fall, much to Shelly's scary Deer Hunter analogy's dismay.  Dick and Daniele cut a deal with Rachel, and they fall off their banana, even after Daniele hesitates, as she does not trust Rachel.

The final twist: THE GOLDEN KEY, which means that of the nominated duo, whichever member stays in the house after their partner is evicted,  is issued the Golden Key, and will be immune to nomination until the Top Ten.  This remaining duo member will not be nominated or be able to compete in HOH. 

Daniele and Dick already appear poised to turn on each other to grab at that Golden Key.  Lawon and Kalia wouldn't mind sacrificing one another either.  Who will Rachel nominate for eviction?  Who will win Power of Veto?  Whose ass will Dick try to kick?

The live feeds start at 1 a.m. EST, so tune in to watch the excitement!

Embrace Your Inner Creeper

The new season of Big Brother is just over 13 hours away.  Preparations have made.  Food has been purchased, children have been otherwise entertained, Big Brother After Dark (Showtime) and feeds have been ordered.  Soon I will find myself whiling away hours upon hours, watching other people who are whiling away hours upon hours.  I will watch strangers make and prepare food, consume it (rather loudly in some cases), brush their teeth, apply make up, lunge, do squats, blow their noses, have private conversations, reveal confidential information, cry, laugh, sweat, complain, whine, joke, water the garden, lounge by the pool, plot, scheme, fight, nap, and then do the whole thing again.  It will make me feel like a Level 10 creeper, especially since I PAID to do it.  I will not only watch these things unfold, but I will read about them, write about them, and analyze them.  I will call my friends and family to get their opinions on them.  My children will know the names of each house guest.  It is an out and out obsession. 

So my advice to anyone who is feeling guilty about the Big Brother adventure that they are about to embark upon:  Embrace your inner creeper.  Enjoy this summer, because another one won't come around until next year!

Eight New Houseguests, I Am (Not So Silently) Judging You

Who are these eight smiling people?  What are the chances that one of them will last the entire summer and win $500,000?

Traditionally, I do not watch pre-show interviews of the new houseguests.  The interviews themselves border on pointless and with the majority of the new castmates, it appears that production has given them the instruction, "We don't want anyone to like you.  Could you be the Eliza Douche-ku of Douches, please?" before anyone opens their mouths.  I will admit to perusing some of the videos this season, and let me just say, my traditionally avoidant behavior has served me well in the past.

So, in order to share with everyone what I will henceforth refer to in my Dream Journal as "Talking Heads with Low Production Value Saying Generic Things", I will give my first impression of each Houseguest. 

MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE THE GHOST OF DANIEL WEBSTER UNDUE STRESS:
Lawon.  Within three sentences of his bio, Lawon  had already made up two vocabulary words, "handsomexy" and "handsomefied".  Lawon, if Gretchen could not make "fetch" happen, you are not going to get away with "handsomexy".  Aside from Lawon's School of Fancy Vocabulary, he feels that he will bring Big Brother fashion to the next level.  So far, I have observed Lawon wearing what appears to be an Easter Parade gone awry about his midsection, and on another occasion, a denim blazer with what could only be described as "pizzazz".  I fear that if he does not win Big Brother he may stay in Hollywood to become Randy Jackson's new American Idol stylist.  He also seems to have a decent sense of humor and no visible scars. 

WHEN YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO TACK ON AN "E":  Cassi, whose name I will always spell correctly incorrectly.  Ya know what I mean?  Cassi, who will be using her winnings to buy an "E" (Is $250 dollars market value?  Or do you have to know Vanna?)  is gorgeous, clearly fashion forward, and will be loathed worldwide by female Big Brother fans.  Why?  No reason.  None at all.  (Have you met a Big Brother fan lately?  There is no rhyme or reason to anything we do.)   She has a super drawly Texas accent and she says she gets along better with the boys.  I am sure that her boobs have nothing to do with that.  She also looks exactly like Olivia Wilde from House, so she may be performing surgeries or medical testing at some point during the summer.

IF YOUR FAVORITE PAST HOUSEGUEST IS THE "MEOW MEOW" YOU ARE PROBABLY A RECRUIT:  Dominic.  Dominic had never seen the show before he was sent to the casting.  He mentioned liking how Jeff played in BB11 in his bio (Author's note:  Like my friend says, "Jeff is my favorite houseguest ever.  But was he my favorite player?  No.")  but in an interview, he admitted to enjoying the Meow Meow.  Ugh, mactors.  There is no accounting for taste.  Other than a high probability that Dominic will either a) be in a showmance or b) have a 10 rating on the Douchecanoe Scale, nothing else really stands out about him. 

MOST LIKELY TO GO DOWN IN A DRUNKEN BLAZE OF GLORY:  Kalia.  According to her bio, if Kalia wins, she wants to hang out with Lindsay Lohan.  I hope she keeps her ankles well groomed for the pending alcohol sensing lo-jack.  Besides a Youtube video of an intoxicated Kalia, I have no other evidence that she will be alcohol dependent post show.  But I am excited for when the houseguests get their 5 beers for 13 people to see if Kalia wrestles anyone to the ground for the last can.  Other than that, Kalia has won some interview portions of beauty pageants (but in a pre-Carrie Prejean's homophobia and Caitlin Upton's "the Iraq"  society), so I have high hopes that she will give good Diary Room.  (Though it will be hard to top BB12 Britney in this capacity.)  Game-wise, Kalia promises not to play emotionally, which means that she will be a) crying the first moment she comes on the feeds or b) nominating the first person who sneezed in her general direction.



 AUDITIONING FOR THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT MOVIE'S PART OF "BOB LOBLAW":  Keith.  All of Keith's interviews were at least double the time of his competitors, if not longer.  Keith is a bag of wind.  Zing!  Also counting against Keith, he has pre-named his alliance "Keith's Angels" and he seems to believe that he is going to adopt the Blah-Gade (The BB12 idea of a strong main alliance with each member having a side alliance) strategy with a group of attractive women.  Good luck with that, Keith, as Allison Grodner does not cast attractive women who will work together.  It is just. not. done.  At any rate, Keith has also referred to himself as "yummy" and "the kind of chocolate that is healthy for you" so when I am finished vomiting in my mouth, I will end this paragraph about Mr.  Keith.  WARNING:  Keith has a twin.  If this twin is a fitness instructor, bible thumper, and/or believes that Carmen Electra is a bitch (see: BB5 Adria/Natalie), we are all in deep doo doo on a season called Double Trouble.   He does not, however, look half bad in bright colors.  If you stand far enough way, put him on mute, and if he does, in fact, possess some defined musculature, he would not be the worst to look at by the pool.

PROBABLY THE WORST TO LOOK AT BY THE POOL:  Adam.   Sorry, Adam, I hate to be one of those shallow people who judges upon looks, size, or the way a person dresses, but you are wearing a bowling shirt and the beard of a Grizzly Man.  Adam seems nice enough, less likely to sell Oxy-Contin than other previous BB Adams, and he seems like he is a big BB fan with an inexplicable love of Rachel.  Well, it's slightly explicable, because from some of his answers, he might like to be "dominated" when it comes to the loving.  Game-wise, being a fan, he will either play things close to the vest and take the copious amounts of advice given to future contestants,  or he will shoot his wad on the first vote out and be evicted pre-jury.

LITTLE DOUCHE COUPE:  Porsche.  Just like Claire is a fat girl's name (thank you, John Bender), Porsche is a stripper's name.  Porsche is a VIP cocktail waitress, so.... She has worked with BB6/BB7 All-Star Janelle at Mynt, a club in Miami, so she has some connections.  She may also have dated Josh Hartnett.  What is she doing on this show???   I am fairly sure that I am either going to despise Porsche (her favorite ex-HG is BB11 Natalie "because she straight up lied to everyone and it worked."  I might point out to Porsche that a) Natalie came in second b) she is almost universally reviled by regular BB viewers.  So I guess "worked" is a relative term AND her voice is BB8 Jen Johnson-esque)  or that I will find her "sexy, clever, bitch"iness refreshing.  I don't have a crystal ball, but I am guessing it will the former.



POSSIBLE CANDIDATE FOR ALISON GRODNER'S ANNUAL 40-SOMETHING CARAMEL BOOBY TRAP:  Shelly.  Well, it's a newer tradition, but Shelly has the southern drawl and the easy going nature of BB12's Kathy.  Hopefully she is more lithe.  She also has the haircut that was popular about eight years ago that requires a lot of hairspray, a round brush, and a dream, so hopefully one of the more fashion forward girls will help her out with that.  Shelly and I have very similar Big Brother views and outlooks, but our political views could not be farther afield of one another.  I will either adore her moxy or want to murder her with her own round brush.  She has a family at home, so hopefully she will avoid the "I deserve it because I have a hard life and kids" bent when it comes time to compete.

THE LIGHTNING ROUND:
First to Fight:  Kalia.
First To Suggest a Whipped Cream Bikini Contest:  Porsche (followed closely by Adam)
First to Invoke the "Bean Roll Footage":  Adam
First to Throw Their Mic in the Pool:  No one else is that stupid.
First to Be Subtitled Under A Blanket with Another Houseguest:  Dominic
First to Be Nominated:  Shelly
First to Cry:  Lawon.
Most Likely to Have His Name Mutilated:  Lawon.  Possible permutations:  Lawn, Lavon, and Juan.   
First to Be Told to Stop Singing:  Kalia
 First to Out His Own Alliance Accidentally:  Keith.  Will. Not. Shut. Up.
Most Likely Unlikely Veto Dominator:  Cassi




Get your big girl panties on, there's just over 36 hours left til the start of BB13!!!

A Working Mom's Guide to Watching Big Brother

It is important, when partaking in an activity that has the potential to remove you from all social and familial duties, to make preparations.  Think of this post as a living will for the summertime. 

Big Brother live feeds are...well, live.  All of the time.  24 hours per day, 7 days per week.  Of course, there are moments when the feeds go to "fish" or "front of house", which is the loss of audio and video feed, after houseguests mention production or family members who have not signed releases.  And, of course, are hours of competitions and/or production related events to which live feed watchers are not privy.   Generally, the live feeds are ever changing, almost always riveting footage that is (for the most part) uncut and unedited (meaning:  it is not rearranged into a storyline).  Therefore, you never quite know when a houseful of sleeping houseguests will suddenly rouse into a festival of rock-em-sock-em-feuding-robots.  And because of the ever changing nature of the feeds, you find yourself watching strangers sleep, brush their teeth, and doing things that are, frankly, best left unwatched.  BB11 Ronnie picking his belly button lint is a sight that one cannot unsee, no matter how much bleach one uses in the cleansing ritual.

Like Boy Scouts, rabid Big Brother fans must be prepared for the summer of feed watching, internet message board discussions, and being shunned (oh, BB12 Enzo, how you have made even the Amish want to "shun" this terminology) by the general population who feel that watching Big Brother is a "waste of time".   Allow me to assist you in your endeavors:

1.  Inform your immediate family of your mental departure from your every day living.  If you have small children, take a picture of them on Thursday July 7th at 8:59 p.m..  You will need this for reference, as there is a better than 78% chance that you will not look directly at your children again until September 15, after the finale.  Arrange for a trusted babysitter or caretaker and if it is financially feasible, hire a nanny or send your children to sleep-away camp.  If your children do remain in the home, warn them that Mommy may not respond on the first 67 callings of her name, and if she doesn't respond at all, assume the answer is "No.".  If possible, hang a sign that says, "Go ask your father" directly around your neck or in the area that you watch feeds.  If you are married, perform whatever marital tasks buy you the most time until the next "marital task".    If you are single, inform your friends that you not be reached by phone and if they need something from you, they should consider a group of temporary friends on a three month trial basis. 

2.  Stock up on easy to prepare foods.  It is hard to convince your family that they will be a) eating out b) cooking their own meals or c) starving for three months.   If you do not have a crockpot, buy one.  If you do not usually cook and order a lot of take out anyway, keep the menus in an easily accessed area that even a child could find, if you catch my drift. 

3.  If you are unable to take a three month sabbatical from work during the summer, may I suggest spraining a knee or back?  But if that plan is not for you, and you remain able-bodied and enjoy paying your monthly bills, one must find ways around the eight hour "work day".  Avoid taking on new projects between July and September.  Save up vacation and personal time for the days that you "accidentally" stay up all night watching the feeds.  Thanks to technology, the feeds are offered on Droid phones and Apple Iphones through the RealSuperpass website.  If you do not have a fancy, new fangled Smartphone, and you have a computer in your office, I highly recommend using your Ipod's earbuds while keeping the feeds minimized on your screen.  If you fear retribution from your workplace's IT department, and can access Twitter on your phone, follow the Twitter accounts of sites that update the feeds regularly for surreptitious viewings during important meetings or while seeing clients.  


4.  Join a message board.  Chances are, if you follow Big Brother, you have probably been either a "lurker" or a "poster" on a message board since the beginning of the interwebs.  Message boards update the feeds regularly, host discussions, and provide extra entertainment during feed down-times.  I recommend www.allaboutbigbrother.net   If you work a full time job, message boards are a great place to get quick summaries.  Plus, online communities provide an outlet to the BB fan whose family and friends do not participate in the BB phenomena regularly.  

5.  Bookmark this blog.  www.creativelapses.blogspot.com or my tumblr http://creativelapses.tumblr.com   I will be updating these after each CBS show airs and weekly about events on the feeds.  Depending on how interesting the feeds actually become, it may be more often. 

Seriously, even Oprah gets addicted to Big Brother feeds.

6.  Keep a healthy sense of humor.  If you do not have one, the bags under your eyes (from staying up all night watching two people talk about squirrels) will just seem sad.  

Clearly, if you are reading this post, you are a Big Brother fan.  Whether it is your guilty pleasure, your favorite past time, or just your way of coping with heat and humidity, Big Brother provides us with years of comedy, drama, and ridiculata in a three month time span.  It is practically time economical, if you think about it.   So bring on the nutbars, it's time for Big Brother 13!

Holy Lame Twists, Batman, It's Dynamic Duos on BB13!

See these eight people?  George Bush and Kanye West do not care about these people.

Okay, Mike Myers cares a little.  Look how concerned he is.

Why doesn't anyone care about these people?  Well, after these eight people were announced, the twist of Big Brother 13 was posted on cbs.com and within twenty-four hours, the eight new houseguests (names:  irrelevant, and in some cases, spelled terribly) became old news.   How did this happen?

I’ll tell you how:  three “dynamic duos” will be returning.  Currently, the Internet conjecture is that the three dynamic duos consist of America’s Sweethearts, fan favorites from BB11, Jeff and Jordan; the polarizing, competition savvy and tv ratings grabbing BB8 father/daughter team of Dick and Daniele Donato; and lastly, the couple that everyone loves to hate (or turn the volume down on, or make fun of endlessly for having Skype sex with a dude) BB12’s Rachel and Brendon.

I will be here to cover all of it (maybe even those eight strange people with the weirdly stuck on smiles) this summer.  I will blog each CBS episode on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays.  I will also be summarizing each week’s action on the feeds, but it will most likely not be a daily update.

In five days, my social life will be suffering greatly.  So suffer along with me, won’t you?